Hasan

There is something special about this boy. I can't stop thinking about him. It's been two months since I broke it off with him, yet he is still on my mind. I miss him terribly because he is everything a girl could ever want and I messed that up. From the beginning, I had a connection with him that was more spiritual than anything else.

We met over the summer as we were both staying at the cabins at Tahoe with some other people. We were studying a book, when the topic of different countries came up. I told him how badly I wowed to visit Brazil and he had the same wish. We shared a lot with each other in those few days. I immediately began developing feelings for him,  but it didn't seem that he was at all interested in me as more than friends. As we became closer, he began to have a playful attitude with me, always teasing and messing with me. I assumed that he was leaning more towards friends than anything else. Sadness took those days, but still left me with great memories with him and everyone else.

His true feeling shined through when I moved to Davis for the summer.  He expressed how he slowly began liking me more than friends and thought that was completely unacceptable. Our age difference was one thing that bothered him. He was in college and at that time, I hadn't even begun my senior year. Our feelings for each other pushed everything aside and a relationship began. It was a summertime relationship that I never wished to end. He was so sweet and caring. From day one, he always put my needs before himself. He was a gentleman and a friend. He was respectful and loving. He was generous to all those around him. He put a smile on everyone's face with his jokes and pranks. He was perfect, and I loved being with him.

Things became different as I returned to Reno and he remained in California. Even though it was a short distance that separated us, things weren't the same. I think that's what made me push him away. At first, the break up did not affect me at all, and frankly, I was relieved of the relationship. Truthfully, I was scared of how close we were getting, and the thought of commitment was driving me in the opposite direction. After two months, thoughts of marriage were coming up, and I couldn't grasp my mind around that. With Hasan though, that marriage would have been amazing. Then the thought of him meeting my parents terrified me.

I saw him last month when Lily, Rosie and I went to California. He looked great. We both didn't know how to act around each other. It was awkward and horrible because it seemed like I had lost a best friend when the relationship ended. What was worse was seeing the girls flirting with him right in front of me. Our relationship was held in secret, so none of our friends knew. That's why they didn't hide anything in front of me when they confronted one of the girls about the relationship she had with Hasan. It sucked so much to hear and to feel that no one knew how I was feeling. Now, I'm not sure if they were exclusive of if she just had a crush on him, but I still didn't like it! 

Oddly, I can't tell how I feel. I can't tell him I want him back or if these feelings are caused because now he's unavailable. All I know is that I don't want to hurt him. He is too amazing. Our friendship has restarted since the last time we saw each other, and there is no way I am messing that up.